Poseur deconstructed

It was high time I wrote about poseurs. No, I shan’t write about people taking selfies, but about those pretending to be or feel different than shown. The phenomenon has increased lately, and since I have been gathering proofs and excessive euphoria, here below you’ll find my take on the secrets of putting on such an act.

I truly do not wish this to be perceived as judgmental and I surely will not try to put an end to it. This kind of art has been here since before I was born and will outlive me. I merely am trying to fulfil my duties as a writer, being a faithful raconteur of the times I am living in.

There they are, my observations on the various acts:

How to mimic a wonderful experience

Do open widely your mouth and your eyes, and then jiggle your arms. Thus you will be able to send the message that until this moment no such trivial experience has been lived by you before. If your gestures are also accompanied by pompous statements regarding the event, be sure that everyone will believe you.

How to convey the message that you are impressed with a saying

Stay still and put on a poker face. The shock was so powerful that it absolutely paralyzed your body. Then, open your mouth and let out an interjection. The important thing now is the sound; all the people around you will be so impressed that they will ignore if the interjection you’ve uttered conveys the feeling you want to mimic. Don’t forget to bulge your eyes. You know that the eyes are the mirror to the soul, so don’t risk others seeing nothing in them (and thus nothing in your soul). When bulging your eyes, people will see a movement in them and thus a movement within you. Also, try not to have physical contact (a hug or a hand shake) because you might give yourself away.

Errors in a motivational speech

Yes, you are not very convinced yourself about the message you are trying to convey, but you know that you have to utter it. 
‘Repeat. Repeat. Repeat’, wasn’t that a great wise man’s saying?! Then, how would you say otherwise. 
Grown-ups are just like children; the only difference is that they wear suits to work. You also know that they learn by mimicry, so try to be their inspiration. It does not matter what you say to them, the important thing is that you pretend to be convinced of your utterances and to repeat over and over again the same idea. 
People blessed with only one neuron and those who were not attentive the last time you said that, will believe in you and will let themselves be inspired by you. Count on them!

When your mistake was showing that you actually did not care

You ask somebody a question. You wait for the very moment when the person ends their response. You jump and ask something else.

How to laugh to a joke you did not understand or found funny

Open your mouth. Close your eyes and give off the loudest sound. If it’s a little hoarse, you’ll be even more believable.

How to pretend you’re having a great time

You’re pissed off, for various reasons. The discussion/ meeting you are involved in is suddenly over and you start to think that you may leave a bad impression to the participants (even though they seemed to have a good time and they had even tried to cheer you up). 
What do you do? When you say goodbye to them, tell them: thank you, guys, for making me laugh!

How to show how intelligent you are

Knit your eyebrows. The faith of the entire planet worries you. The rest… those who laugh so hard at odious things called jokes or bright sayings… they are all cretins, obviously! You are far superior than them. That is why you never smile or laugh. The whole world depends on you to remain just as you are so that you can save it.